The Martlet - The Harlot (March 28, 1962)

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Harlot

Volume 1

VICTORIA COLLEGE, VICTORIA, B.C., MARCH 28, 1962

Number 1 (Last in a Series)

Exclusive Story

PREMIER PEDDLES HOME

V.C. Gets Douks

Special. . . . Last night in: the
legislature Provincial Attorney-
General Bommer announced to
an electrified house that he had
finally solved the Doukhobor
problem. “We have decided,”
stated the minister, “to award
scholarships to the Sons of Free-
dom to enable them to attend
Victoria College.”

The minister gave a number of
reasons for the move, the main
one being the fact that the Sons
would fit in at Victoria College
better than at Oakalla, and that
with such a notable collection of
odd-balls already in residence at
the said institution, the Sons
would probably go relatively un-
noticed. At this point the Min-
ister of Highways, Mr. Gladawrs,
broke into a fit of giggles and
the proceedings were held up for
several minutes while the Min-
ister of Health administered Eno
Fruit Salt to his helpless col-
league.

Liberal M.L.A. Nodrog Nosbig
of Vancouver asked Premier
Bendit if he were the instigator
of the plan, to which the pre-
mier replied: “I feel that the
Sons would be a great benefit
for Victoria as a hole, and that
their destructive tendencies
could be channelled into useful
purposes such as blitzing the
City Hall or the Armouries, to
say nothing of Dunlop House.

Also the students of the college
would no doubt appreciate a
yearly orgy-porgy in the nude
around a pile of burning books.”
Once again the Minister of High-
ways was convulsed in a fit of
laughter and asked to leave the
room for a drink.

Mr. Bommer was asked why
he decided to send the Sons to
Victoria College in the first place,
at which point the Minister of
Highways was heard to mutter
“No Douks, no dough,” but he
was quickly hushed by the Pre-
mier and a number of back-
benchers of the Socially Incred-
ible party. Said Mr. Bommer
when the house had settled
down: “I was first approached
by Mr. Gillibilge of the Faculty
of Education who complained of
a difficulty in obtaining teachers
for the Krestova-Grand Forks
area because of the terrorist ac-
tivities. He felt that the Sons
could easily master the Elemen-
tary Program and that they
would be invaluable as teachers
in that area.”

When the question came to a
vote, all parties voted unani-
mously in favour of the motion
except the Minister of Highways,
who was engrossed in repairing
a broken zipper.

Principal Dr. Heichmann had
this to say: “Nerts!” >

THE HORSE S —

By BRYAN TREMENDOUS

Hi gang! Well, it's exam time
again and I know how we all
look f orward to exams, don’t we,
eh? It’s sure been an exciting
year, and I’d just like to say
thank you to mother for all her
help and advice in these times
of crisis. And I’d like to thank
all the members of the council
who worked so hard to see me
done in (joke). Well, regarding
exams, I think we’d all agree
that Pound’s great poem “Gunga
Din” sums up the situation beau-
tifully in its first line: “April is
the cruellest month.” I thought
that that line summed it up
beautifully and that I’d pass it
on to you for your contemplation.

I’d just like to say that I think
everyone in the college deserves
a pat on the back for contribut-
ing to spirit, and I mean this
from the bottom of my well-
spring of love and fellowship. I
mean . I love you all for being,
well, for being so great about it
all. I mean, hell, I didn’t really
care about the egg-throwing or
the painting spree at Royal
Roads, and I didn’t mean those
threats about forcible castration
by the council; I’ve been through
all that before — disciplining
wrong-doers, that is.

I’m glad everyone who was at
the banquet enjoyed it so much,
but I’m sorry that everyone

didn’t get an award. I didn’t get
a single one this year either, and
it hurts me to think that we
don’t care about how much hard
work we did for each other this
year. I really mean this, I’m
really sincere. I was so hurt I
had to wring out my socks I
cried so much, and then I lost
one and had to dance with one 1
sock, and was mother ever mad
when I came home at midnight
with only one sock! By the way,
whoever has my sock, would
they please return it to the
council office — just throw it in
the corner with all the unsold
sweaters, scarves and underwear.
And whoever left the underwear
all over the office, please pick it
up, because if you don’t you will
be barred from further college
functions, by the council, because
none of us have the guts to pick
it up and throw it away.

In conclusion, I’d just like to
say I sincerely and genuinely
mean it from the bottom of my
heart that I genuinely a m
pleased and delighted by every-
thing, even though things are a
mess and mother hates me be-
cause I lost her hand - knitted
diamond sock at that stinking
banquet at which everybody
didn’t receive an award. Well,
good luck in your exams every-
body, and may the Registrar
bless and keep you till the sun
comes shinin’ thru.

★ ★ ★

OURS NOW!

FUNDRIVE

By FARLEY FRIENDLY

How often have people tried
to solve our problems? How of-
ten have the problems dissolved
us? I asked my student assistant
this, when paying her for dust-
ing my desk. As student assist-
ants go she’s a veritable goddess,
brews the finest wine this side
of Trail.

May I take a moment to ex-
plain the position I hold on the
non-directive therapeutic stu-
dent council? I am responsible
for the well-being of the student
body. The official title is Direc-
tor of Euphoric Relations. We
love you all and endeavor to
keep you happy! happy! happy!
I have, with A.M.S. fees natur-
ally, set up two sure-fire profit
and fun-making schemes. The
first is The Little Rocket Port-
able Still Co. — our motto, “Good
brew is on the move”. We were
fortunate in procuring the fran-
chise from the vast holdings of
the R.C.M.P. The second ven-
ture that I, as a member of this
forward-looking, highly-spirited ;
clear-thinking, intelligent and :
modest council, have embarked
upon is the setting up of a Rock
and Roll record pressing com-
pany. This is the buy of a life-
time. Along with the assets such
as buildings and commercially-
zoned parkland, we have at great
expense obtained clear options;
on Bill Haley, Rudy Vale and
other comers of the Rock and
Roll world.

We have been very fortunate
in acquiring, for a modest sum,
the services of the world re-
nowned entrepeneur Gregory
Oastleton-Crankshaft, who’s rep-
utation in the business world is
second only to the late Getter
Wen, who did so much for our
past euphoric experience in the
(Cont’d p. 2, col. 4)

Downwind Bennett-Fits

In an unprecedented show of co-operation and gen-
erosity, Premier W. A. C. Bennett last night handed the
keys to the Provincial Legislative Buildings over to Brian
Little, President of the Victoria College Alma Mater Society.
In a speech stating the reason for the move the Premier
said, “It occurred to me that the Buildings have been rather
idle lately and I feel it is time they were given some use.”

At a press conference after
the meeting Mr. Bennett stated
that this was only the first of a
series of moves designed to deal
with the unexpected expansion
of Victoria College. “We are do-
ing all we can, as usual, to help
in this hour of need. Your pleas
have not fallen on deaf ears,” he
said.

FUTURE PLANS

When asked what future fund
raising plans held in store, the
premier hinted that a bond
burning ceremony would take
place at the yacht pond early
next month. Later plans include
the auctioning of several of the
province’s older bridges, float-
ing of a new issue of Forest
Management Licences, and the
sale of a number of B.C.E. buses
to a local hot rod club.

The Premier further suggested
that if returns from these did not
prove sufficient, the government
“presently debt free” was pre-
pared to do a little borrowing
in the name of the college.

The future of the Legislature
is still unsure. However, Mr.
Bennett has given some indica-
tion that they will meet in the
old Plaza Theatre to “reduce
costs” so that more money can
be contributed to the college
cause.

President Little thanked the
Premier for his unerring gen-
erosity and promised that the
college would use the newly
acquired buildings to their
greatest advantage. Little told,
Bennett that “Those who had
questioned his integrity in the
past would certainly acclaim his
golden generosity in the future.”
The Premier, in reply, bashfully
taking off his sunglasses and
wiping them on his Bermuda
shorts, said, “Thanks, Bri.”

Late last night a meeting of
the Students' Council was held,
to set plans for the use of the
buildings. It was decided that
the Council would make use of
the Legislative Chambers and
that the lower floor of the
museum would go to the Jive
Club. The top two floors, mean-
while, will be converted to a
gymnasium for the basketball
team. The library will take over
the archives and the caf will be
situated on the top floor of the
west wing.

GOOD USE

At the meeting Craig Andrews,
captain of the infamous Ruggah
XV, petitioned for the use of
the Buildings front steps. “It
will be good for the chaps to get
some uphill practice,” he said,,
“and they will be at home there.”
It was further suggested that
the fountain in front be used
for water polo and the front

lawns be converted to a soccer
field.

Vice-President Alf Pettersen,
who was earlier placed in charge
of obtaining furnishings and
extras for the new site says he
has received an offer from Royal
Roads of two 800-pound cannons
for the grounds. Several en-
thusiastic Roads cadets have
further offered their services for
any painting that needs to be
done.

NO DECISION

Interviews with college faculty
members indicated that no
decision had been made as to
what they will do with their
share of the new site. Premier
Bennett’s office will, however, be
used for a faculty cloak room.

Interviews with several min-
isters revealed mixed sentiments.
Les Pearson, Minister of Educa-
tion, expressed concern at the
difficulty anticipated in trans-
porting his coveted collection of
Jolly Numbers books and Play-
boy Magazines. Mr. Peterson
expressed the hope that he
would find time to move his
plasticine model collection to
the new site himself. He soberly
stated, “I made them all myself
and it’s taken me the last eight
years to do it.”

P.A. DELIGHTED

Minister of Highways, P. A.
Gaglardi seemed quite delighted
with the move as it affords him
the opportunity to open his long
planned driving school on Yates
Street.

Leader of the Opposition,
Robert Strachan, could find little
fault with the move. He did,
however, express open indigna-
tion at the prospect of “selling
some of those nice B.C.E, buses
down the river.”

By press time college workmen
preparing the building for early
occupancy had encountered a
number of technical difficulties.
For example, many of the floors
will have to be resurfaced to
remove the roller skate marks, a
larger lawn mower will be re-
quired to cut five inches off the
depth of the carpet in Mr. Ben-
nett’s office. Also redecoration
will be needed in Mr. Gaglardi's
office as the walls are presently
papered with traffic violations
and autographed photos of
famed racing drivers.

It is thought, however, that
the Buildings, donated to us by
our more than generous, far-
sighted government, will be
ready for our occupancy just in
time for college opening next
September.

2

THE HARLOT, MARCH 28, 1962

Editorials s . ..

Letter to Editor

FUNDRIVE . . .

(Oont’d from p. 1, col. 3)

BUG-HER-U

In the past few weeks we have received a number of
complaints regarding the style and tone of our articles. It
seems there are many who regard The Martlet as being too
restricted and narrow minded in its approach to news
reporting. We have been accused of having no humour or
variety within our pages. We would like to make it clear
that The Martlet will remain in its news reporting capacity
and will not deviate from this course in any way. We feel
that the printing of subversive material in any way would
be lowering ourselves to the level of a city newspaper. The
wants of a few cannot stop The Martlet from becoming the
corner stone for the college of the future. This centrepiece
should be a good example of our reporting ability and we
hope will quell any complaints in the future.

SAFEKEEPING

Recently read: Eighty per cent of the girls of a certain
school in Oxford, England, were found to be in possession
of contraceptives. The fit hit the shan.

One must say, damned smart lot! Anyone knows that
recess comes around swiftly and the girls are apt to get
hungry before lunch. So why shouldn’t healthy young
females be allowed to have a snack before lunch. We
mean, if one can’t have a little to eat when one wants to
eat, why are contraceptives produced anyway? Surely
everyone has munched on a chocolate-nut contraceptive
between meals with no ill effects. They are sold on all
candy counters in North America, so why the big fuss
in England? One can understand why overnight people
shouldn’t eat many contraceptives, but unless teeth are
rotten, why shouldn’t one have the occasional crunchy?

Now, we could easily understand why the English
officials would be upset if the girls were in possession of
chocolate bars.

Pot-Pot

A happy program of familiar
tune was presented by the well-
known Social Debit Ensemble
last Friday. The concert
opened with the Ensemble’s
hearty theme song, “We Don’t
Give a Dam’’ in three part har-
mony.

appreciate the difficult com-
position.

The grand finale, “There Will
Be Peace in the Valley for Me
Some Day” was dedicated to a
Kamloops lawyer present in the
audience.

“IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T
CONCEIVE TRY, TRY AGAIN!”

— Beaton Putrid.

Now fellas:

Theirs bin a lot of critisism
about the Faculty of Edication
this year and its hardly fair
(fare?) nohow, I think. Like
some body said (sead?) (sad?)
that- our standerds were a bit
lower than the Faculty of Arts
and Sience. Now I cum from the
Upper Arrer Lakes (North Snake
Pit — pop. 780 and two horses)
and I can say from my experence
that this is obvously ridiculus.
We educashun fellas are as good
as anybody. Anybody who says
different is crasy.

In fact, I maintain our stand-
erds are even hire than yours.
Wut other coarse round here has
a exam where you have to name
the majur rivurs in Canada?
Nobudy can knock that Soshul
Studys corse, man. And how
about that Helth? No other
corse up hear Ive scene recquires
students to lern furst ade. And
that Sciense is reall tough to —
where else do you have to resite
the mane consepts of Grade IV
Sciense — like “electrisity can be
conducted by a wire.” Youd
think this would be to tuff to
put on a college exam — but its
not! They had that very ques-
tion at Xmas. Wut other coarse
can make this statement? Of
course, it stumped quite a few of
us, but the smart ones had no
trouble with it. Now I ask you,
how many of you would of had
trouble with that question — a lot,
I bet!

So lets not here any more
critisism, especially senseless cri-
tisism, fellas. We educashun
fellas have work to do !

And one more thing — like that
other writer in this here colum
said, you just wait till were
teaching your kids. Then youll
see wut sort of teachurs the
coll edge of educashun turns out,
boy.

Sincearly,

I. R. BRAINBOUND.

P.S. — Why is English 200 so
different frum all other courses?

economic infinity of life. (You
guessed it. I’m an ed. student
who took philosophy 30 at J.
Crickets sure -pass institute of
modern music.)

After much persuasion and
bribery (you all know how money
talks) Gregory Castleton-Crank-
shaft has come out of retire-
ment, leaving the quiet trans-
cendant splendour of his estate
on the northeast coast of Jimmy
Chicken Island. He has left his
draughty castle to get back to
the hot air of the fiercly com-
petitive business world. He said,
in an on-the-spot interview (we
caught him in the tunnel with
Jamey) that he will guarantee
that this college (pardon me,
university) will be a success, will
market R. and R. records and
Little Rocket Stills throughout
the world.

Gregory Oastleton-Crankshaft
has clever and scientific ideas
regarding product promotion.
With every Mark II Little Rocket
Still sold he plans to give away
our latest release on the “Slack
Jack” label (“phobic sounds of
our times” series). This record,
“Chunky Chess-Man Coducts the
Minneapolis Strings Playing the
Schist Twist” (you geography
majors will remember this rock
arrangement) . It was written by
that famous trio, Myas, Hurtz
and Howe.

■ That’s all from the desk of
Euphoric Relations. Remember,
the world has been ruined by
people who make decisions — it is
up to you to avoid making this
same mistake.

KINEMA ’62
presents

“2 W of flight”

MARCH 30th

The next composition entitled
“Columbia’s the Gem or the
Potion?” was introduced by the
handsome librarian Leslie Jor-
gensen. He announced that the
group was playing this American
composition as they had been
unable to find a B.C. composition
of sufficient quality.

The group’s first fiddler, affec-
tionately called Wingy Will by
his colleagues, soared to new
heights in rendering the familiar
ballad “Miss Quote Was My
Downfall But Miss Justice Did
Me Fine”.

The “Low-down” on Fashion —

HIPSTERS

Hip-Hugging, Low-slung Sportswear
in

Conductor M. A. D. Linnet was
for the inost part a happy choice
as leader but one sometimes
felt he was overpowering in his
interpretation, particularly in
the fifth number “By the Old 4.4
Mill Downstream”.

The group came alive in the
intricate fugue “You Tell Me
Your Version and I’ll Tell You
Mine”. It required a sensitive
ear to catch all the contra-
puntal weaving and one felt
that the audience did not fully

Carnival Colours . .. . Sun-drenched Shades
and Soda-pop Pastels!

, EATON’S

Young Sophisticate Shop Second Floor

Now It's Pepsi

For Those Who
Think Young!

★ CAFETERIA

★ F-HUT

★ STUDENT LOUNGE
(Gordon Head)

HORSESHOE
BARBER SHOP

578 YATES ST.

ACROSS FROM THE POST OFFICE

“The Smartest in Campus
Haircuts **

★

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